This is Me 5 months +1 day!

Hi All

I was wondering if there is such a thing as a 3rd Gender, and if we as transsexual/transgender people are a 3rd gender.
I want to explain my understanding of 3rd Gender, I understand 3rd Gender as being someone born in one gender, but this is not how they view themselves. They do not accept the role of the born Gender. I am in this class.

We are as normal as the 2 established genders, but we have this “problem” in that we are “confused” as to who we are.

I hope I dont start a war here, it is something that I am confused about, as with my personal history I have become aware of certain things that do not make sense to me. I was never masculine, I was never into sports, other than as a scorer, linesperson, umpire, or the video cam operator. These were the non tradtional male activities in the school.. I was never male gay, and effeminate.

I know I am not a boy, I know I am a girl, and this has me confused, if it is my brain that is wired “wrong” why is it I am not behaving in the normal female accepted range?

I have never been overtly male or overtly female, I am neither gender, I have issues in regards my penis, I hate it, and I have many times wanted to cut it off, or hoped it would drop off, as I cannot stand having it, for me there was no way I could have normal male sex, using it in the way normal males do, that was way too much for me to handle..

If I have a female brain, why did I not play with Barbie and Ken?
Why did I not insist on girl clothes?
Why did no one pick up on my female tendancies?

I firmly believe that I am transsexual with GID.
What I dont understand is why was I not able to do the girl thing growing up?
Why was I not a male growing up?
What happened to me that I was not able to find a relationship?
Why am I so scared I will look so ugly as a woman? As a 1/2 man 1/2 woman?

I am not male gay, in fact I love women, and I am sure I am lesbian, but my sexual preference is not tested, and that is a huge concern for me, as I have no idea as to who/what I am?

Having been isolated from people, my own choice, I have ended up at age 34 not having any social skills, in fact I am petrified of meeting people.

That is all

Later Alligator

Day 155 11 December 2009

I am feeling very sad today as I am sure that I have been wasting my time for the last 5 months taking HRT, as it turns out I have to stop taking them when I am in the UK as they will not allow the local GP to prescribe hormones to me, I need to follow the path.

If it is true that I have to stop, then I will be free to hang myself. As there will be no need to carry on with my life, as there is no way I am stopping my HRT, if that is the rule then I will make sure my death in the UK helps others to overcome this stupid rule of guy in a dress.

I will update once I have confirmation from the NHS in the UK…

Later Alligator

Justine Paula

Me on day 153 09 Dec 2009

Hi All

This has to be strange times, I am trying to find out why I am not working, and no one is telling me anything, I have no idea what is going with me and the SABC!

This can be such a great time to make money, and there I am not working, I was such a fool, I should not have done a thing, I should have left it well alone, oh well, lesson learnt, dont fight unless you cannot afford to loose..

I am hoping soon that I will be able to wear a bra soon, I am growing nicely and I am planning a shopping trip for a new bra soon.

The body is dropping weight nicely, I am hoping to get down to 132 pounds [60kg] by the time I leave for the UK.. that will be nice, I will be small and delicate, and hopefully not look like a guy, and I will be nice and busty..

Later Alligator

me on day 146 02 december 2009

Me Day 146

Hi All

This is me on day 146, the day after my adsl line was cut, I can no longer post to the blog for a while, and whilst I am off line, I will continue to use textedit to create blog entries, when I am online I will recreate the blog from the file saved here.

I have decided to try and exercise a lot more often and see if I can shed a few kilograms whilst I am not working or chatting. I have no idea on how I am going to occupy my day, I think that plenty of walking might be a solution to having nothing to do.

I checked this morning and there is no dsl light on the router which means I have been cut and I now have to use my mobile phone, a really crappy nokia to connect to the internet at dial up rates, which can get to be very expensive.

I will not be able to facebook or do any form of internet work, as this consumes way too much data, and at R2, a megabyte I cannot afford this cost for too long.

I went for a run in my room for 15min yesterday and I felt good, I am now a little stiff, but I feel good. I need to shed 20kgs if I want the HRT and the T blocker to be effective.

I hope that I can shed the weight soon.

Update,2.34pm I went on a long walk around the large block that is the area in which I live, I am feeling rather tired and my feet are sore, and feel bruised, I am sure this is because I am not used to all this exercise, I am so wanting to loose all this weight..

I have many things preying on my mind, about money, my transition, about moving to the UK, about will A who I know nothing about, will she still be so keen on taking me in, after the the end of May 2010, which is so far away, I have no idea, and not being online is a huge source of shame

Later Alligator..

Me on day 147 of my HRT 03 December 2009

Day 147

Today was a bad day, I am really missing the use of the dsl, and this has affected my life, I miss the chatting and the companionship this has brought me in the past, maybe my depression had a lot to do with how I felt, that I am sure of, but I will not know….

In the late afternnon, I was made aware through email that there is a meeting at the sabc to hear about what is going on in joburg as regards work, etc,

Having not worked since the end of July this could be good news, maybe get back on track and see what is going on.. I am sure that it will be more of the same, nothing has changed type of stuff…

I am so keen to get to the UK and start my life…

Later Alligator

Diary entry for 04 December 2009

Day 148 on treatment..

So far I am not seeing my face change all that much, if at all, I am feeling pain in the breasts as they are growing oh so slowly, I am hoping that they reach a full B cup in the next few months, I would love to reach bra wearing by the time I leave for the UK in June 2010.

I will not be around to watch the world cup in south africa, I will be in the UK, unless the sabc makes a huge offer to me, I am out of here, I see no point in staying around if there is going to be a problem with me and my change.

I am hoping to find out from my friend in the UK, what I should be looking into studying if I want to work for the BBC as a freelance video editor in the next 2-3 years…

I am also so wanting to get the SRS done, so that this stage is out of the way and I can move forward with my life.

Diary Entry 06 December 2009

Day 150 on treatment

I am sitting at home, still waiting for something to happen, I have been praying that this will end soon, I am so wanting to get my life on track and get busy with my real life experience and get to save for my operation in Thailand within the next 3 years.

Diary entry 08 December 2009

Day 152 on treatment

This is me on my 152nd day of treatment.

Day 152

Life is seeming to be getting better, S and I are talking a lot more and I am so hoping she and I can establish a relationship, no one knows how much I love S, she is the love of my life, I will do anything for her, she is so beautiful and I am so in love.

I am so keen to start working so that I can start saving towards our operations, I would love for the 2 of us to have the ops together in Thailand.

This is the operation I would like to under go in the next 3-4 years, I wouls like to be completely healed in time for my 20th reunion in 2013, which is 4 years from now, I am planning on getting on treatment as soon as possible and get saving for Thailand as quickly as I can, I need $12 000 for the operation, and if I get saving and working hard I might be able to save the £12 000 I will need.

I am trying to build up capital and I hope that my unit trusts will grow, and any money I get as a result of SARS refunds I will invest into my unit trusts and I hope that I can grow my funds to the point that I can afford my operation in Thailand.

For me there can be no greater gift than giving this to some one, S is special in my life and I want her to be able to know how much I love her and I want to be able to do this for her. I am so wanting to do this and do it soon. I am so frustrated that I cannot do it now…grrh.

I am trying to find a way of working and saving for our operations, I know it is going to be expensive, If S pays for the flights and the hotels and expenses, I pay for the operations I am sure we could afford it.

My blue dress

Photo of me in my blue dress.. I am looking sooo ugly

Blue Dress Wide

I am so wanting to be able to wear my clothes, I am sad mom does not like me wearing my clothes

what can I do, there is nothing I can do, I just have to wait.. which is such a pity as it is getting hot and I really

like wearing my clothes, and I am missing out…. oh well not much I can do about this!!!

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Quickpost these images to Myspace, Digg, Facebook, and others!

Hi All,

This is a sad day, from today or tomorrow I will no longer have fulltime email access as the adsl line has been terminated due to the cost of the monthly subscription costs.

 

ME DAY 144 30 NOVEMBER 2009

For the most part, I am very very sad, that my life has become this, this is very sad for me, I am going to miss all the chatting on the Playground for the next few months, it will make my plan making for the UK much more difficult from now on.

Later Alligator

 

 

Me on Day 141

MY NEWS TODAY:

From today and for the remainder of the year, I am reducing my hormone and anti androgen blocker, For the Hormone I am reducing from 6-mg Progynova to 2 mg Progynova and the Cypreterone Acetate I am reducing from 50-mg a day to 25-mg a day.

I am doing this for 2 reasons, the 1st reason is health, I am not sure how healthy it is for me to be on such a huge dose, and 2nd the reduced dosage will stretch my present supply much longer, thus saving money. With not working, and jobs scarce on the horizon I am not sure if I will be able to afford a full dose each month I am here, so I am doing this.

I have been suffering from debilitating chronic fatigue and mood swings, I am not sure why, I wonder if it has to do with the hormones, so with the reduction I am hoping to moderate the highs and lows I have been suffering from.  I know that this is a form of self medication, but what can I do, I am not in the UK yet..

MY OTHER NEWS:

My great news is, I was chatting last night online with a wonderful woman in the UK, from Manchester, and we got onto the subject of work or rather the lack of work, and the fact the both of us are unemployed, I mentioned that I was a video editor and I would like to at some point get into the UK industry, and she said her neighbour or a friend has been commissioned by the BBC to edit a nature programme, and said that if I know my stuff there is a great chance of finding work…

This is such huge news as I really want to get into editing for the BBC, that will be huge.. Make it worthwhile to learn the software.

So I am giving myself a few weeks to allow the reduced dose to have an affect to see if I become less tired, and the mood swings are reduced in the poles.

 

So until I know anything I am going to try and learn the software, and I wonder if my friend can help me and maybe direct me towards an area I should close in on, maybe specialise in a certain part of the suite or be a general editor. I don’t know I am confused about this.

Later Alligator

Justine Paula

 

Hi All

Today is a really bad bad day for me, I am trying to deal with the issues of not working and the crushing boredom thus brought on…

My heart is really funny, and I am suffering deep depression, and a very deep tiredness, and this does not help me, I tried to sleep and when I woke up, it took a long time for the brain to come alive, to be able to function properly..

This is getting worse by the day, I am sure that it is a pump problem, maybe it is something else, I dont know, the medical professionals dont seem all that concerned about it. Thus it must not be a problem, even though I feel terrible, it cant be that bad! Must be in my head!

I was asked why suicide: Well I dont really know, I am tired of all the pain I have, of carrying all the guilt around,  of being a failure in life, I have yet to really achieve anything worthwhile. I feel that I am not going to be much in my life, and that I have seen myself as far more than I really am…

A vw beetle is a vw beetle, it may want to be a porsche, but it is only a vw beetle, I am the same, I see myself as more than I am, and the lesson I have to learn is that I am far less than I see myself.

I wonder when the tide will turn and I will be able to be a success in life, I am not craving wealth or fame, just to be me, a female tv news video editor, that is all, nothing fancy or special, just having fun cutting together news inserts, I love that, that is all I want to do with my life, now why is this so difficult for me to do?

 

Later Alligator

Justine Paula

please press the the link if you are 18 or older…

I cannot belive i am at day 137, i know it is just a ordinary day, what is special about 137, well it a nice number, 1+3=4+3=7 and 3*4+1=13..

Just kidding, it is just a good day, I may have aced a job in the UK starting in June or July, which is a long time from now, but hey a job is a job…

I am sure that this will be a great chance for me to work hard and start saving for my gender reassignment surgery which I would like done in Thailand in 2 years time, that will be cool…

http://www.chet-plasticsurgery.com/

This is where I am hoping to have my srs surgery done in the next 2-3 years, hopefully before the next school reunion in 2013.

Me on day 137

 

 

Me Day 132

This is me at Day 132, I am feeling OK, I am wondering about if I will ever work in the TV industry again, or has my ride come to an end?

I really hope it has not, as I have really been good at my job as a video editor in the tv news dept in Durban, and this is something I really enjoy and I am very good at, and something I could do for the rest of my life, as I know that I am skilled at storytelling

I have had to re-install Leopard as the Snow Leopard Operating System does not work on my laptop very well, and it has been such a mission to re-install Leopard, and all my software again, and this took so long, and there was so much to update and this took so long and so much data….

I am so sorry I have lost all my photo’s of myself that I had been taking for my video of my transition, so I will have to make do with far fewer pictures of myself.. I am so sad about this, I really could not believe I did this… I am such a fool…

Later

 

Hi All

This is a great day, I have installed Snow Leopard on my macbook pro laptop, and in the process I was such an idiot, I forgot to back up my photo’s of myself from the PhotoBooth. Moron that I am, I was too eager, stupid…

Well not all is lost, I have been saving a copy here, on the blog, and I wonder if I can retrieve my photo’s from my blog, I hope I can…

A Sorry Story

On Monday night I was not feeling too good, my heart was really bad, so I called for an ambulance and spent the night at Wentworth Hospital, which has to be the very worst experience of my life, I was freezing, having heart problems, shoved on this very uncomfortable bed, and having a huge verbal argument with someone who says he is a doctor, maybe a doctor of arse kissing… This was an idiot from a French speaking country and did not speak much english, and was angry that I had gone to see a private cardiologist first.

Well when he came to see me a 2nd time, after my blood test results were ready, he said there was nothing wrong with me, I got up and worked out of the hospital and I dont know what happened, but he was an idiot.

I still cannot believe that happened to me…

Me on 18 November 2009

 

Later Alligator

Justine Paula

Well this is a really bad time for me, today Saturday 14 November 2009, I was supposed to be leaving for the UK, but my heart has decided not to play along and has decided to do it’s own thing…

This of course makes me feel really dodgy, extreme fatigue, and oh so many problems, I really feel cowpatty, very!!!

I have been able to move my date to the day after my next birthday, YAY!!! Have a birthday, spend it packing, and it is my 35th!!!

Really I wonder sometimes about the sense of humour of the puppet master, what have I done wrong to get to this point, why cannot I just transition, have a job to earn enough money for the op and work the rest of my life in live TV?

I am not asking for much, just a few small thing, a decent job, as a tv news video editor, and as a woman, post SRS… is that too much to ask?

I wonder if I have done something to deserve this?

Oh well time will answer all my questions, as for me, I need to lie down, not feeling to great, very light headed!!!

 

Day 125 14 Nov 2009

I am so glad that I decided to withdraw from the labour issue on Thursday, As I was not feeling well enough to travel and not well enough to fight a labour issue, well I am not sure how this is going to affect my working at the SABC..

So far only one person has phoned me to find out what is going on, and this I really appreciated this so very much… Thanks for the phone call….

Later Alligator

Justine Paula

 

Day 120 09 November 2009

Day 122 11 November 2009

This is me on day 120 of my transition, I measured my bust size and there is a 2.5 inch difference between under the breast and over the breast, so this means I am almost a A cup girl, I am hoping for 4-8 inches over the next few months as this will allow me then to be a B cup bra, which will be fine,

I am hoping that the face has changes soon, and that I start to look far more female than I am…..

 

This is me on day 122, I am taking Progynova and Cypertone Acetate and I am starting to feel the changes…

I had a wonderful chat with my dad, and he is accepting of me as his daughter, and this does help me a great deal…

I have had to apply my mind and decide if I want to continue with the court process in regards my labour issue and my mind is still not made up 100%….

I am so looking forward to the journey to the UK, and to see what may or may not happen, I would like to be able to earn at least enough to save the £500 a month I will need to have the SRS done in Thailand in a year or so..

I was thinking about the process in South Africa, and well I dont think this is a really great idea, and there are aspects of the South African version I am not happy about..

Being in the UK will expose me to people I need to meet, in order to further my goal of editing for a large international company, such as the BBC or CNN, as I am sure there are greater exposure in the UK than in sunny south africa…

So life is great at the moment, all seems to be ok, I am not sure of anything, but I do know I want to achieve a life goal, and come back to my 20th reunion as Justine

Later Alligator

Justine Paula

Hi All

Today is day 119 of my HRT and Anti Androgen Blocker…

It is also the very last Sunday I will be at home, and this is very sad for me, I cannot believe that this day has come…

..

Me Day 119

In 7 days I will be in London, after a very long flight, and I am not sure on how I will feel, this is going to be a huge adjustment for me, I have no clue as to what is going to happen, I need to start earning, according to my calculations, I would like to save £500 a month, but this seems like a huge sum to try and save each month.. I need a total of £6000 to pay for the SRS in Thailand, if this is what I want to do..

This I need to do, as my life depends on this, I am not doing well medically and the high dose of Progynova and Cypertone Acetate is really getting to me…

 

Later Alligator

Justine Paula

 

Yesterday was an amazing day, I had my ears pierced for the 1st time in my life, it was so great, I cannot believe I have done it….

It all happened when Mom and I went to have a watch battery replaced, and we were looking at earrings and I asked the jeweller if they pierced ears, and she said that they do, she brought a selection to the counter of sleeper studs, and I chose a pair with tiny diamonds on them, all very pretty…

I sat on the stool, she marked my ears, loaded the gun with the stud, and fired, there was no pain, and the 1st ear was done, then she did the 2nd ear, and in a flash I felt great, I felt real girly… I have the ability now to wear proper earrings and not clip on’s …

 

Me with my new earrings

 

Today I went shopping wearing my lady jeans, lady shoes and my new earrings, loved the fact I was more fem dressed than ever and it felt so normal..

Later Alligator

Justine Paula

Hi All

I have not been posting to the blog, I have been having a hell of rough time,  my planned and promised accommodation has fallen through and I don’t know what to do, I have been so suicidal, I have been wanting to kill myself for a long time and my mood as not been great, I am really scared of the future, of what is going to happen once I get to the UK.

I am not happy with my transition and how I am progressing, and the changes so far, I am sure that I am not developing the way I want, I am sure that there is a problem,  a problem with my heart and lungs, that is not getting better, and I am not sure what to do about this…

Where am I going to stay?, what job am I going to do? Where am I going to find healthcare? Will my transition be interrupted? Will I be allowed to continue with my plans? I have no idea about anything…

Here is me at day 114 of my hrt and t blocker….

Me at Day 114

I am going out of my mind with worry and fear, I have no idea of what to do with my stuff when I arrive in the UK, and more importantly what am I going to do with my laptop, this is very valuable and very difficult to replace, this is causing me so much stress, and I am not sure of how to deal with the pressure and I am not sure if what I am doing is a good or a bad thing…

I need help in understanding what is going on, I am not sure why I am in this situation, and how the situation is going to work out…

So far I am just so tired and fighting a crippling fatigue, life can be such a struggle, all I need is for something to go right for once in my life…

Later Alligator

Justine Paula

Hi All

I have added photo’s to my blog…

Me on Day 103 23 October

Cheers

Justine Paula

Hi All

Today I sold my car…

I am so sad about the car, I spent so many years paying for the car,

I never got to even own my own car before I have to leave for the UK…but on the bright side, mom is the proud owner of a Burnt Orange Spark…

I am having a few health problems I am not sure why, pains in my lungs/chest, not sure where…

But I am ok, and this is the 4th to last weekend before I leave on the 14th November, It does not seem that long now…around the corner..

Later

Justine

DAY 90 A REPORT

This report is written the day of my 90th day on hrt and blockers, I wish I could have written it yesterday, but I was not feeling all that good yesterday, I was so tired and needing to rest…

What has been in my life?

Well I have been having electrolysis on the face and beard, and this has been going well, I am very happy at the salon that does the electrolysis and the rate is a tad expensive, but not as much as the Laser.

The treatment has been about 30 min and so many hairs are taken out, yet so many still remain, I can see why this is going to take a long time to deal with, and why it could get very expensive.. But I really feel good for having started…

ME DAY 90 10th October 2009

Well I have only 6 full weeks left until I arrive in London, and my new life begins…

I am so terrified I have to be honest, and I have no idea of what I am getting myself into, and I hope I am not making a really bad mistake…

The lady I am staying with sounds wonderful, she is doing so much for me. I have found out where I will be staying, it is to the east of london, near the Thames river…I just hope that it is not too far to walk…

I went shopping today for a training bra, I need a size 42 A cup bra.. the shops did not have any in the size I was looking for…

Later-Alligator

Justine Paula

Hi Everyone

Today is day 84, 6 days I am 90 days old, and the changes are very slow to show, up on me, the boobs are very tender to the touch, and I am having mood swings, I am not sure why…

The Progynova seems to be a great hrt, but I was expecting some breast growth by now. But I am sure that the growth will happen soon..

The huge news, I am leaving for the UK, London on the 14th November and arriving on the 15 Nov 2009. It is an overnight flight, I will take lots of pictures and send them to mom for her to see where I will be staying and all that is going on…

This is all so exciting and I have been very busy sorting out details, and it all seems that it is a good idea…

Me day 84, I hate photo's

Yes I have a beard, small and short and oh so many grey hairs, I am ancient…just fit to darn sock by the fire…

Later Alligator]

Justine Paula

Hi All

I cannot believe today is day 79….

I am moving to the UK in November 2009, so much has happened over the last few months..

I have lost my job, unable to find work, I need to transition or risk going mad..So I made the very painful decision to move to the UK where I will be able to hopefully find work, any work and start saving towards my srs as the end goal…

As to the path I will take, I have no idea.. I am not sure if I will be able to find work, but I cannot worry about that now..now it is about getting settled and back on the path of hrt and blockers and take it from there…

I know I am transgender, and having to prove myself again, is a part of life for me.. I know that I will not have a hard time with this issue…

Day 79 September 29th 2009

I am busy working on making dvd’s for mom, which is so very sad as  I have to see the Parrots again, and ths was such a difficult part of my life and something that was so very difficult to get through, this stage of my life last 14 years, the most frustrating part of my life….

I am so excited though for the new journey, the flight, the arrival, the meeting of new people.. and the chance to go fulltime…

Justine

Hi ALL

This is a great day for me, today is day 63. This means 9 full weeks on HRT and AA Blockers…. I cannot believe that I am already 9 weeks on hrt… this means only 43 weeks to go..

I am worried about many things, but I am sure that something good and great is around the corner…

Transition has not been easy, I have been through so much over the last 9 weeks, but what I was able to cling onto was my transition…

What is store for Justine, I have no idea, but I am sure it will be great, I am a great person, I am loyal, dedicated, trustworthy….

Can someone help me with a job please..

My resume is ready if anyone to browse…

Thanks

Justine-Paula Howard

A NEW ME

 

Day 62

 

What is todays blog all about, well a new me… but it is still the old me, well yes and no…yes I look very much the same as I did yesterday and the last 62 days, but for the 1st time today, my nipples felt different, something is changing and I am getting to be the new me..

This is also because I am no longer thinking too much about the old work I used to do, the editing and tv crossings, if I am used good, if not well that is just to bad, as far as I am concerned I am far too valuable to be tossed on the rubbish heap and there is still plenty I have to offer..

So if I am to succeed in life I need to find something new, something that is more me, than the old job was, yes I miss the old life, and the people and all I did for the SABC, and all the long hours, the decisions I have had to make in the past, well for now that is water under the bridge…

SO FOR THE FUTURE

The future, well I am not sure, I am really thinking long and hard about doing an Office Management Course and working as a Office Manager, but that is only a thought, I for a start have no idea really what the work entails and even if I would be any good at the job, I also need to think about moving to the USA or Canada at some point, this is where I will find further transgender people that might be able to help me in my journey…

That is way down the line, for now I need a parttime/fulltime job doing something that will allow me to save for the SRS and the move to Canada or the USA..

So if you want to help me, please arrange a job for me, that I can work and still be able to assist my mom..

My resume I will be able to forward if you are interested, thanks

Justine Paula

 

Me Day 61 HRT and Blockers

 

 

Today is the 8th Anniversary of the 9/11 disaster in the United States, and for me I was watching it live on CNN when it happened, I could not believe what had happened…

 

For me I cannot believe how far I have come in the 8 years, I am now I am on HRT and Blockers….

I have applied for a PC job, not sure if I will get the job, but I am hoping, and it sounds like a good job, something that I could do..

 

Later–Alligator

Justine Paula

Hi All

Bust: 107 cm

Well the labour hearing was well a failure, but I was able to say what I wanted to say… Got it on the record about the improper use of personal, but I will see what happens, if anything happens…

Today is day 60 of my transition…

Later–Alligator

Justine Paula

HI ALL

 

I am now 109cm around the body over my nipples, yay, that is 4cm growth…. I think that is great news…

I have heard that my old contracts are ready and waiting for pickup… This will give me more ammo in my fight…

So I am hopeful that this will lend weight to my evidence on Wednesday

 

Till Later

Justine-Paula

Hi All DAY 56 on HRT and Blockers..

This is a huge day, 56 days, 8 weeks a huge milestone, and I really feel great, and there is no problems, I am feeling great, I am not tired and cranky, not emotional or foggy headed….

This is all such a great time, all my evidence I feel is very strong, and will stand on appeal, There is nothing the SABC will have to counter…

So this is great and I hope that there is a short period from the 9th to the issuing of the ruling…

So from me Cheers

Later-Alligator

Justine-Paula

Today is day 55 of my transition….

I cannot believe it is 55 days already….

 

Me on Day 55

This is me Saturday 09 Sept…

I was due to work, but alas I am not…

Later–Alligator

Justine

Today was a normal day until the early evening, I had a small meltdown, and the emotions flowed thing of the Parrots, and how I miss Ivy so very much…. the pain has not gone away and will it ever, how I hate myself for this and how I was so cruel to her and Jo and George….

I will never be able to forgive this part of my life, this will not forget, and nothing will take it away… 

Why this should be I don’t know, I am so sorry for the way I was towards the Parrots…

Justine

Today I changed my meds, I am now on Premarin… .. 

I am hoping this makes a huge difference in my life and my transition… It was worth the wait, and I am now hoping the real fun and games start now…

So this was a great, wonderful day….

 

Day 52….

Later–Alligator

Justine-Paula

DAY 51 3:16pm

Today is day 51 of my transition and it has been a great day for me, I was a little tired around lunchtime, caught a doze on the couch and I am feeling fit as a fiddle in the late afternoon.. 

I have been able to achieve a lot today, and the project SABC is well uderway, I am feeling good… Work and the future still worry me, but there is not much I can do about it at the moment…. I am getting there slowly..

I was able to mend a broken fence I  had with a friend and this really helped me so very much, I was so devestated, when the contact was cut, but it seems we are mending broken fences, back to being friends YAY!!!

Having changed my med taking pattern has helped such a lot, in so many ways..I  have far more energy now than 1 week ago…This is such a great thing… I am not just a fat old lump on the couch, but I have energy. The energy does not last very long, but I am able to have longer endurance than I had before…

So for now I am happy and I am growing nicely…

Later-Alligator

Justine-Paula

Me at Day 51

Hi All

I am feeling very miserable, lonely and upset, fed up and pissed off, and angry and tired and just not right..

I am not sure what brought this on, but I am really not happy, I am rather in an bad mood, and I am not sure why, everything has been going well for the last few days, and then today wham I am so out of sorts..

Is it because the 9th September is just around the corner and I have no idea what to expect… What is my future and will I be dead soon, I am not wanting to but under the circumstances I am not so sure, after this is day 50 and what a hellride it has been to get to 50 days…torture of the highest order I can tell you, I am have not enjoyed one bit of it,

I am not sure what will happen post 9th September 2009…

This is an open letter to anyone who wants to read it….

 

I am 34 and I have always known I was transgender or a girl in a boys body..

I had none of the trapped feelings, I just knew I was different, and I did not know why, for many reasons that not even I fully understand, I did not have the ability to demand that I be fixed, I had no voice, and this silence, this shame, this freak that I was, could not be seen by anyone…

So for the last 34 years I was not able to do many of the things girls and guys my age did, I was so afraid… Afraid that my secret would be found out, and now that I am in transition this is not any better, the emotions are so magnified and I am just so completely exhausted about everything, nothing is going right and I have no way for fixing it, stopping it, correcting it…

 

I wish there was a way I could go back to school and fix or learn something new, something different that I can be certain will be a money earner for me, but what I have no idea, and the cost, I have no way of paying for it… whatever IT is? 

I would love to do something maybe in the teaching field, as a trainer of sorts, something related to the computer world,  as I sometimes get called on to help with a pc problem, I find helping people I really enjoy… This is something I could do with a passion and zeal and I know I would be good at it, or writing technical books, 

Having done a few help guides, this I found extremely enjoyable and is also a small passion of mine…

 

Staying in the TV world, maybe it depends on what happens, I would like a change, maybe working fulltime for a while will be a good thing, something I have not done in a very long time. My future is hinged on what happens after the 9th September when there will be a hearing and the result of the hearing will determine my future…

Till Later

Justine-Paula

Day 50… 105cm/100cm

Today is day 50 of my transition, and over the last 50 days there has been so much going on in my life, The SABC cutting back on freelance staff, which has left me high and dry and with out a real income, there was the breakin and theft of all my video camera’s and my still camera..

This was the very worst thing that could have happen, but with the spending of loads of cash, the house is now more secure…

I will be working on compiling a huge file of evidence to prove to the CCMA why I am an employee and not a contractor…

So for the time being, work seeking is not a real option until I know for sure what the ruling will be, if in my favour or not..

 

 As for the rest, well I am growing my breasts, slowly and surely that they are… There is some activity around the aeriloa and this is normal, this means that there is growth of new skin to accomodate the new material…I am so pleased about this…

My depression seems to have lifted on a tad, I am so worried about the past and I wonder where I went wrong, how could  I have got it so very wrong, for 14 years…

 

For me the last 14 years, I was living in a haze, a mental fog, and I was not able to clearly focus my mind, this was in large part caused by my domestic situation and this was not a place I could come home to and relax and focus my mind, the concept of noise in communication applies here, With the Parrots I was not able to really apply my mind and after their passing I was able to really start the process of real internal examination…

 

I have been able to start one aspect of transition, the physical aspect of transition, and I am really not doing well on the other aspects of my transition,the mental acceptance…

Who am I as a woman?, What will I be?, Where will I be?, How will I look? 

These are all questions I have and I am not sure where to look for all the answers, 

Why the stop and start of transition?

For me, the stopping for one day and restarting the next day allowed me to read up about the meds and pay close attention to what  I was doing, this was a very good exercise as this allowed me to focus my mind in a way I had not done before… 

It was pointed out to me that I was out of control and speeding towards a solid brick wall and heading for an almighty massive crash, a very serious risk for many negative outcomes…. Having taken the words to heart of a number of people who really do care for me, my change of strategy has allowed my to revive my transition in a far safer and healthier manner..

 

So for the time being, whilst I am “unemployed” and “living off my savings” I will not be doing anything towards the orchi surgery as this would not be wise from a financial point of view…

 

DAY 50! 31 Aug 2009

 

 

My life for the last few days has been much better than over the  the last 6 weeks, and this has helped to understand many issues…

Later–Alligator

Justine-Paula

 

7 Weeks today

Today I am 7 weeks old and I feel great, having changed my med protocol and I feel very good, not as tired and depressed as I was before….

This is a good time for me…I am happy, been working and I love this..

I am happy today..

Later–Alligator

Justine-Paula

I am working today and tomorrow which is a huge surprise…

I never thought I would get to work as a tv news video editor, but I am still plodding along..

So I am nearly 50 days into my transition, and I am sure there are small changes but nothing to write home about…

 

This is me on day 48 of hrt and blockers

 

 

Am what I am doing right…?

I am not sure if what I am doing is right or wrong.. For me this is who I am, I am Justine a girl and I will do anything to make sure that I know that this will happen, so I am doing it now as I have no choice…

 

Would I like SRS surgery…?

Yes I would love to have srs surgery, or a term I heard on a chatroom, a surgery called Gender Confirmation Surgery… which I thought was a wonderful term, confirming me as a woman…..

 

The way forward…..

For me the way forward is to take the hrt and blockers as I am half tablet in the morning and half tablet in the evening when I go to bed….

This for me seems to make the most sense, not a huge impact with a full dose, but keep the dose constant every 12 hours….

 

For now I am happy with my decision and I am sure it will change if and when I have an idea about work….

Later–Alligator

Justine-Paula

As of 8/28/2009 Justine Howard is and always was a girl…move forward.  

Just remember transition begins from within..

.the rest will follow.

Hi All

In the interest of my health physical and mental, I have reduced my hrt and blockers to a half-dose every day…

I was not able to stand even a single day without taking my meds, and the best solution was to reduce from a full dose to a half dose once a day…

After all I will be on a lower dose at some point, and this is the best way for me to remain on hrt and blockers and still be able to afford the medication..

 

I am wondering what is going to happen with my hearing on the 9th September, at the CCMA..

 

I would still love to move or visit the United States and spend some time in the tv news department learning how to use Final Cut Pro…

 

That is for later, for now, just let the transition happen, slowly and surely…

Later–Alligator

Justine-Paula

Day 1 of stopping hrt and blockers….

I will not be able to re-start my transition until I can afford the meds and all treatment with a medical aid…

So no more posts

Justin

Well the result of the radio-isotope scan revealed no problems with my lungs, which is good…

I was able to get a date for my orchidectomy surgery, and I have to postpone it for a very long time until I am able to afford it…

I am really hating this, so I will stay on the drugs until I can afford the surgery…

Well I have been speeding way to fast and I have ruined my life, so what is a while longer?

There are so many things that I am regretful for doing, and the top of the tops is wasting the last 14 years..

Is there any way of not being ultra negative?

I am very tired, not feeling well… a tad dizzy, it has been a long day

Nite..

Justin-Paula

Today was not a good day, I had to go and have a radio-isotope scan, my right lung is not right… Something about a clot in the lung….

I am worried, but I am sure it is nothing..

I am getting the result tomorrow…

Later–Alligator

Justine-Paula

 I am 34, I live in Durban, South Africa….. Durban is a city on the east coast of South Africa, in the Province of KwaZulu-Natal….

WHAT IS MY FIRST MEMORY OF WHO I WANTED TO BE

I remember being very young in the early 1980’s and watching a tv show called E.N.G., and one of the characters was a video editor, and she was female. I am living part of that memory now, as a video editor, and soon I will be female and be working as a female video editor, I cannot believe this…. how could this have happened, but I am about to be a woman, and a video editor… How cool is that!

WHO DOES JUSTINE PAULA HOWARD WANT TO BE:

This is going to sound crazy, but a medical doctor, and at age 34 I am not sure about how to go about getting this solved, given the fact I have very little money, but hey I never thought I would be able to pay off a brand new car and I have done this working part-time… so I believe it will happen, this might take some help from my friends… So in order to understand  Justine Paula Howard

We need to start at my early history…

MY HISTORY:

I have always known since I was three years old that I was not a boy, when I started using shirts as skirts, as I knew this was right for me, and I hated going to school dressed as a boy, I so longed to wear the girls dresses as then I would be a girl, from the time I was very young I have always been a crossdresser, wearing my mom’s clothes and driving my brother mad….

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OR NEARLY BEING OUTED:

When I was still in very junior school, I would come home and “borrow” clothes from my moms room, and I was caught by the maid we had, and she asked me: “Do you want to be a girl?” My response as a 7 year old was “Yes I do”. The maid never told my mom about me, but this did not stop me from crossdressing. On this end, I never did any of the boy activities at school, the sports I never played, and when I had to, I was hopeless, hopeless at cricket at primary school… But I did notice that the girlfriends and sisters of the boy’s in my class were cricket scorers, and so my love of cricket scoring was born… At high school I could not understand why I could not do the girl activities such as home economics, why o why did I have to do woodworking….. and then to make the situation even worse, I was sent to boarding school…

Life was hell at boarding school, this ruined my life from an academic point of view, I could not do my school work and concentrate on keeping Justine private…. But here I developed the love of the theatre and working in television, I was responsible for filming events, rugby games, and prize givings… I also become involved in cricket scoring as it was a way to get out of playing and being in the boys locker room…. Something I hated as I was so afraid that the boys would discover my secret, and that did happen in the biggest way,….

Well in my Grade 11 [Standard 9] year 1992 I was away for the weekend and some of the boys in my dorm went through my school bag and found a book I used to draw dresses and ideas I had about this, this meant I had to go see a therapist and I was diagnosed transexual, but my mom was for some reason not told about this diagnosis and so for the next 17 years it was a secret I held onto….

LIFE AFTER SCHOOL:

After leaving school at the end of 1993 , I went to study a diploma in entertainment technology, but I was not a good student, fall out from my school years, I had not had time to process what  TRANSEXUAL meant to me, I got involved in the the editing of sound effects for live theatre and this awoke in me a very long dormant dream, and that was to be a video editor for tv news…[more about this later]… I re-enrolled for a new diploma in video technology and I was somewhat successful, and through manipulation I was able to get out of filming or using the camera, something which haunts me to this day, for some reason that has been lost to the mists of time, I am scared of using a professional video camera…. So from the end of 1993 until 2009, I was crossdressing at home, with the blessing of my mom, as we were able to establish a period during which it was alright for me to crossdress…

WHEN DID I DECIDE TO TRANSITION:

It was this year 2009 after a discussion between my brother and my mom, that my mom approached me and said it was alright for me to crossdress at home when I want and for how long I want… at first I went mad and did it all day, but I felt something was wrong, something had been awoken in me, and that was to be the first time I wanted to be   Justine Paula Howard

WHY DO I WANT TO TRANSITION:

Justine  made her presence felt for the very first time on Justin’s 34th Birthday, which was a watershed day, a milestone day, this was the first time I, JUSTINE  had ever been anywhere dressed as a girl, and in all my 34 years this was the 1st time I realized that I was really and truely becoming a woman, and that this is what I really wanted for my life.

All the money or fame would not be enough, that day         27 May 2009  when I left the house as Justine Paula Howard

I knew that there was no longer anything going to stop me from being me, a woman called Justine Paula Howard !!!!

And so within a short period of just 6 weeks I went from crossdressing to, on the  13 July 2009 at 11 09 am  I started my  HRT and ANTI ANDROGEN treatment….

WHAT DO I DO FOR INCOME:

I am a video editor for the national broacaster called the South African Broadcasting Corporation [SABC]… I have been a video editor for 10 years.. I started out as a tv studio cameraman on a live tv show called KZN 2 Nite, which was a 30 minute program broadcast only in the KwaZulu Natal region, and then very quickly moved onto the audio control desk, which I still do from time to time, and it seems less as I am a freelancer… more about this later….. I love what I do….. For me there is nothing like the high I get when the deadline is approaching and I am the responsible video editor and I have to edit 3 inserts [1 story in 3 languages] in less than 1 hour… It is such a rush.. I do not mind the long hours, the endless sitting around waiting for something to happen. This is not the best part of the job, but it sure beats working underground or digging trenches…

COMING OUT AT WORK AND TRANSITION AT WORK:

I told everyone I work with, on the 13th July 2009, and a few were shocked, most had no idea I was transgender, even what the word meant, so I spend a hour or so explaining the whole way forward for me as I see it unfolding.. I am still going to work very much as a male, I still wear the same clothes, nothing about me has changed, I am hoping that my transition does not offend anybody, or that at some point in the near future I will be using the ladies loo…

WHAT ABOUT THE NEAR FUTURE:

As a freelancer I am last in the food chain, and in a desperate attempt to cut expenses, the SABC has decided to make less use of freelance crew, so I am not sure, what is going to happen. I know that the SABC is wrong in renewing my contracts for 10 years with 1 year contracts, so I am hoping that the freelance crew unite to fight this… I am hoping that my legal problems will be sorted out, soon.

I am going to the Endo tomorrow, to see if there is any way I can get an earlier appointment than the 30 Nov 2009…

I need the orchidectomy soon, I am suffering under the blockers and this is so not like me…

I need to be able to function and this is not function…

Later–Alligator

Justine-Paula

 

6 weeks on hrt and blockers

Today I am 6 weeks old, I am so amazed, for 6 weeks, 

Well I am having the orchidectomy surgery privately, someone is sponsoring the cost of the operation, which is great…

I will post a detailed blow by blow of the op and my recovery as soon as I can

 

Later–Alligator

Justine-Paula

Having spoken to my GP, and having my blood tests, results on Monday, after thinking about it long and hard, I need to have the orchidectomy surgery sooner than later… the male hormone blocker is really affecting me and I cannot see how the situation is going to improve..

It has been 6 weeks tomorrow, 42 days and I feel no better than when I first started…

So when I see the GP on Monday I will insist that I need the orchidectomy as I cannot function under the blocker…

So that is for Monday…

The good news is that I am working editing on Saturday, which was a pleasant surprise to learn that….

Well that is it for now…

Later–Alligator

Justine Paula

Well it is raining, here, and it is cold and miserable, and that is how I feel…

Having made a complete and utter fool of myself, the self hating and wanting the world to end is so huge, with each passing hour, the concept that I am not sane seems to be more and more telling..

I am so not sure as to the way forward for me, I am so scared to make a decision now, do I pay off the car, or do I not pay off the car… What do I do…

I need help. What that help is I am not sure, help with shooting myself….. 

Why can I never do anything right… Today will be like yesterday and be long and boring and when willl this movie end…

I am not seeing any changes and I wonder if my meds are working at all…

So I will go to the GP today and find out if she can help me…

Later–Alligator

Justine Paula

Me before Transition circa 2007/2008

Well, I am a fool, a great fool. Is it possible to screw up something good as bad, as terrible as I have done…

I did not realize that I had done anything wrong, but on reflection my words were so misunderstood, the result is that I have damaged a relationship..

I am so sorry that happened, I hated that, why o why can I just not find the right words to say, 

How I hate myself for doing the wrong thing, the wrong action all the time…

When will I make a good decision, will it be in my life time..

Have I been that bad in life, that I have to be punished in such a cruel way… All I ask is for is to be allowed to do what I do, edit video for tv news as Justine, is that too much to ask…

I know I have screwed up my whole life, that I get, I should have paid more attention to not becoming dependant, and I have destroyed a chance here…

Personal Relationships: I am so not happy here, I have spoiled a good thing, for this I am so sorry, I did not mean to hurt you, that was not what I wanted, and I chose bad set of words, and this idea that was created was not the message I was sending… I feel awful about what happened, it is so embarrassing, I hurt from the shame…..

How I hate myself, this is really not helping my transition, I question every decision I have made in the last few years, I need help,

I need a real friend…

Later–Alligator

Justine-Paula

justinepaula1@gmail.com

Day 38 on hrt and blockers, tired as usual, nothing has changed there

 

Me on 38th day of hrt and blockers

 

 

As for work, I am sure that that part is over for the time being, I have meeting on the 9th September at 12:00 to discuss the nature of my contract and I am not sure what is going down there….

Well to say I am shattered is not the right words, it is far more than shattered, devestated, destroyed, broken is what it feels like…

I am not sure what is going to happen now…

I have to wait until the 9th of next month before I will have an idea of what is going down…

So until then, I am not sure how I am going to remain sane, it seems so very far away…

Well until then..

Later-Alligator

Justine-Paula

Today is day 37 on hrt and blockers, hard to believe I made it this far….

I am not sure if I am going to make to less than 300 days….

That seems just way too far.. suicide seems to be the answer I am looking for!

For me finding work at this moment in time just is too much to handle, I have had the wind knocked out of me, and I am not able to pick myself up and just carry on..

I lack certain skills and with my bad back and walking standing issues, getting work is something I dread, the pain and dizziness of going without eating for me is a small price to pay…

I am pinning all my hopes on something happening at the CCMA, but this is really stupid of me…

I have been so reckless over the last 14 years, and now I find myself in such a deep black hole, a hole so deep that I see no reason not to shout for help…Oh what is the point, I have destroyed my career, my future, and possibly that of Justine….

Why, what is it about me, that people find so offensive, what am I that ugly, well I have to believe that, why would I not be told after 10 years of editing wether I am good/bad/otherwise?

Why was I not sent to the UK when I had finished school, I have nothing, at 34 I am in a worse position than at age 20… 

I am amazed that some people  can be successful despite obvious reasons to to be, not me, I am a failure, a freakshow. 

I am a mistake, I loath myself and everything about me…

Why did I survive my car accident in 2005-why?

I wish I knew the reason for surviving, but life is a cruel joke…

Later-Justine

Well I have done it, I have been to the CCMA and submitted my form, I am hoping that this well get me my job, proper, that I missed out on twice before, I need the job to build up capital if one day I would like to undergo the Gender Reassignment Surgery in Canada or Thailand, but that is a few years off, before I will be ready for such a huge step…

I need to become me first and get used to being me, and having everyone accept me for me…

Hell I am scared for the future going forward, but I have nothing to loose, already I am done to 4 editing days a month, and I am not sure if the studio work will pick up again, enough for me to make a living, 

So if there is anyone in cyberland who is a miracle worker, I would like to visit the USA and spend 1 month working as a video editor on a final cut pro system, so that I can learn tricks and tips for editing news at a high pace, I have very little money of my own, so I am looking for a sponser..

I have been editing at the SABC in Durban for over 10 years, and I have plenty of experience on tape based systems, the computer based sediting, very little exposure, 

Please help me… my email is justinepaula1@gmail.com

Thanks

Justine Paula

Hi All

I have been told to see the CCMA in regards my labour issue, but this in itself is a problem, I earned too much money and do not know if my application will succeed, but nothing ventured nothing gained, so I will try tomorrow morning…

I hope that something happens, I have lost 2 callouts to work because of the situation…

So I will post tomorrow when I have news,

As far as my transition goes I am upto day 33, I cannot believe 33 days on hrt and blockers, 11 months to go….

Later–Alligator

Justine-Paula

Hi All

Well so far I have had news, I am not sure of the way forward in my work situation, I am not sure what is going to happen..

I have told more members of my family, and the response has been great, I am sure that is came as a shock and a surprise for them, when you consider that the last time I was there I had a beard down to my knees.

I am sure that the outlook will be great, I have a 2nd blog and my dreams is out there in cyberland, so I will see what happens in that regard..

I am thinking about wearing an outfit tomorrow, It  will have been a while since I have….

Later–Alligator

Justine-Paula

The idea of killing myself , for the time being has diminished, replaced by very cautious optimism, very cautious, I might add…

I love talking about myself, about transgender and the idea of being a transgender advocate really appeals to me…

http://www.pinkessence.com/profiles/blogs/who-is-justine-paula-howard

Is my autobiographical blog… I have decided to put everything about myself on the blog…

Later–Alligator

Justine-Paula

Hi All

My suicide is still on the cards, it depends on wether I still have a job…. I am not willing to fight as I am just too tired, so yes I will be ending my life when I have heard from work….

I know that it is sad, but I feel that this is best all round…

Later

Justine-Paula

Hi All

It seems that I might be out of a job soon, and if that is the case, then I will be the Late Justine-Paula….

Without work I have no reason to live, so this could be my 2nd to last post

Well I will know for sure tomorrow,

I will update tomorrow 

Justine-Paula

Hi All

The last few days have been very rough, on Friday last week, the house was broken into, and my video and stills camera’s were stolen.. what a pity, but I was insured for the expensive camera….

I am battling with the violation of my personal space has been very hard for me, and something I am working on…

I have been thinking about stopping the laser on the beard and I will be doing this… What has been great is that I have been busy with work…

So I am coming to terms with the whole theft and violation…

Later–Alligator

Justine-Paula

I have not been paid yet, and this is not good, I wonder what is happening? Will I be paid this month or not, 1 day left in the month tomorrow and I will freak if there is no money in the account..

I have so many expenses to meet and I am not sure how I will meet them if I am not recieving an income on a regular basis, oh why me, what have I done to be treated this way?

Was my wanting to transition a mistake? I hope not, …

 

So here it is….. If any one has a video editing Final Cut Pro job for me please let me know….

justine_paula1@yahoo.com   to reach me and I will call or email a demo tape back..

 

Please help me….

Later–Alligator

Justine-Paula

Today has not been a good day so far, someone/someones tried to break into the house at a 3 am or so, plus I am an emtional wreck, I have the world’s worst headache, it is so very sore, I am sure it is from the hormones or the anti androgen I am taking, but still I am sore…

I hope that soon I will be past this stage, I ask myself why did I start the process in the 1st place….

I am suffering so from a broken heart, and I am not sure what to do, as far as my life goes, it really amounts to Zero….

I have not achieved anything of substance, I am and will remain in my mind a freak, and I am sure to the rest of the world I am a freak, a monster that should be locked up and not exposed to the public….

I am so hating going out in public, always have and this is not helping me… the stress and worry and emotional rollercoaster is not good for me.. a decent stroke or medical drug interaction that causes me “to go into that good night”, will suit me just fine…

I am sorry in many ways that I started the hrt and blockers, and I cannot back out now, I would only back out if I moved to a new country where no-one knew me…. 

So till later–alligator

Justine-Paula

Hi All

I have just had my first laser treatment for the beard, I have been told I need 5-6 treatments every 6-8 weeks, and at R1300 a session I am worried how I am going to afford it….

2 Things that I need to highlight:

1:  I am thinking about joining my two names, and for it to be  Justine-Paula and not just Justine.

2:    I am almost made up my mind that I will not be having the orchie surgery in Nov/Dec 2009 if there is a chance I want the SRS surgery, the Thailand Clinic of Dr Suporn does not do the surgery if you have had an orchidectomy…

So with that in mind I am holding of until I am clearer on what I want to do, so that I will not be sorry later.. I have sent an email to S and I am hoping that she can advise me and help to clear the confusion that I find myself in this morning…

Work has been great, I am sure that there is no-one that does not know about the transition..

Later–Alligator

Justine-Paula

Today marks 11 days on hrt and anti-androgens, and I am feeling so tired most of the time. There have been good days and bad days…

Today was a bad day in that I was so tired, but it ended well with so many tv studio work coming up tomorrow and over the weekend, which is great.

Tomorrow I need to setup appointments for Dr’s Dm and Dr Moore… so that I am not left without hrt and anti-androgens in December or January…

Later–Alligator

Justine

Today has been 8 days of taking hrt and anti-androgen. I have no ill reports or anything, nothing to bad, no breast pain to report as yet.

So the posts are a little thing as there is not much to report….Thus I have posted a photo of me on Day 8 of my hrt treatment….

Later–Alligator

Justine

Day 4 of hrt and nothing to report…I was hoping to hear from Dr J about the orchie surgery, but so far no hear…

Work has been very thin, and I have not worked since Sunday… the day before I came out at work, I hope I have not made a mistake as I do not know what I will do if I cannot pay my debts…. I hope that I get work soon… I am worried and not being able to have a cig is driving me nuts…..

Later–Alligator

Justine

Today is day 3 of my hrt, so far I am feeling fine, no changes to report.

I am waiting to hear from Dr J about having the orchidectomy surgery at Inkosi Albert Luthuli Hospital….

Hopefully I will be able to get the surgery, then if I do then I will be able to really push forward the feminization process

Will report later…

Later–Alligator

Justine

07:29 Took my 2nd dose of hrt and anti-androgen…. No side effects to report as at 08:30 and I am feeling fine…

One of my work colleagues reacted badly yesterday, but a phone-call from her , and she said she was coming to terms with my decision to transition…

So far I have told almost everyone, only my high-school class does not know a thing that is going on….

Later Alligator

Justine

Hi All…

I have told the gang at work, all about the transition and what is going to happen, Been to HR and discussed certain matters,the bathroom being the major issue….I see that this might be a small issue, but a plan will be worked out….

 

As at 11:09 13 July 2009, I took my first dose of hrt and anti-estrogen. I have been warned to expect sore and painful nipples as the breasts start to form, well today is a happy day…

 

 

Later–Alligator…

Justine

05:52 : I have told my boss and certain work collegues about my transition, and it went well. Today I will go to the office and tell the rest of the staff about the transition, as well as going to the HR manager, who would not know what to do, she would not know how to organise a pissup in a brewery….

 

Well I will keep you guys informed as I go along….I should be on hrt soon, hopefully the next 3 days…

 

Later–Alligator

Justine

I have been to the Endocronogist and I have a script for

Ortho-Est 1 tablet per day 0.625mg,

Cipla Cyproterone 50mg 1/2 tablet per day…

I am waiting for the Ortho-Est to arrive as the chemist had none in stock, have to wait until Monday morning…

So until then I have to wait… 

 

I see that the Ortho_est could be a dangerous drug, so I will be careful to monitor my day to day…

So until then I must wait….

I will be taking photo’s every day to see If I can see a difference…

Till Later-Alligator

Justine

1 day before my hrt appointment…

I am nervous, will the doctor prescribe the hrt and anti-andgrogen medication?

Later Alligator

Justine

POST DELETED

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Later Alligator

Justine

Hi All….

In less than  week I will know wether I will be on hrt medicane or not… and what my dosage will be… I am hoping the cost of the medication is not too expensive…

 

Later Alligator

Justine

8 Days until I go to Dr Moore for my hrt appointment… I have not heard from Dr de Marigny about my report he was supposed to write for me..

I have phoned, but the woman there is not very helpful…grrh..

Stop the press…I have just heard I am going to have the HRT but not surgery..Yay!!!

Later–Alligator

Justine

Today I am making plans for travel to the USA or Canada , to meet some of my Trans friends I have met online..

The plan is to meet in Canada or LA but it is very open at this point in time, February 2010 is the month for meeting… Well it seems that we will be meeting in Brandon, Manitoba in Feb 2010.

Later–Alligator

Justine

Hi All

Been a few days since my last post, shaved my legs, used body cream and the legs feel so smooth..

Well it is 12 sleeps till I see Dr Moore… I hope all goes well…been trying to record a video blog for youtube….

It is not going well… I am so nervous in front of the camera…

Well I am practising and with time I should get better..

Later–Alligator

Justine

Hi

Today, this morning I woke to the bitter news that the great singer and performer Michael Jackson had died…. this is indeed a sad day, I grew up with his music, and the music video Thriller was and is my favorite music video of all time….

Yesterday I heard that there might be gender clinic at the local referral hospital here…. One of my classmates at school, is a doctor and works in the local health system and I asked  him how would I go about getting hrt on the local health system, and he asked why, I explained about me being transgender… he said that he thinks there might be something at the local referral hospital.

That would be great as I would like to have the orchidectomy surgery as soon as possible, so that I can focus on the hrt portion of my transition….

For me, this becoming Justine is not just a lifestyle change it is the realization of who I am, that I am Justine a girl, a woman, a very capable lady…

I hope that once I start hrt I will be able to post a daily update of myself….

Later-Alligator

Justine

I have told Paula, a close friend about myself, and it was so easy to tell her, it was such a relief for me, and I am sure it was a shock for her…

Having understanding people helps…

Later-Alligator

Justine

Well it is 15 sleeps to go until I see Dr Moore….

This is me just before I go to bed….I love wearing sleepshirts of this style and I love sleeping in a padded bra…

Later-~Alligator

Justine

17 Sleeps to go until I go to Dr Moore… to see about hrt…. I told C about me, I used the wonderful services of Facebook… I can only imagine what she must have been thinking….

Well it is out there, it is no longer a secret…. I have let it go… and soon very soon everyone will know… when that happens I will post it on Facebook….

The next school reunion will be fine…..

Justine… not justin

Later-Alligator

Justine

Hi All…..

I have decided to re-commence blog posting… I have an appointment with the HRT specialist on the 10th July… I am hopeful that after this appointment I will be able to commence HRT… but if I don’t at least I will have an idea of the path forward….

So today Sunday, I took a photo of myself, with a short skirt and t-shirt. Mom says it is not me.. but I love the feel of the short skirt…

Me short skirt and T-shirt...

That is me..Justine…

I am so wanting just be be me, and finally bury for good justin….

Later-Alligator

Justine

It is Youth Day today here in South Africa….

I have made a very personal decision that I will for the time being not be able to update my blog….. I have decided to stay off the air for the time being…

But in the meantime… whilst this blog is off the air… I will be keeping it updated and when I am ready the blog will be updated here….

Just one last thought……

Why is it the Transgender community is happy to be tacked onto the end of the LGBTG acronym?

For all common sense, Transgender as zero to do with sexual preference, you can be gay, slightly effiminate, but not wear girls clothes….

I hope that once I have transitioned to start a campaign to divorce us from the LGBTG….

We are separate issues, being part of the LGBTG… this is a clear conflict of interest….

LGB is about who you have sex with…TG is about how you see yourself.. and how this is in conflict with the body of birth….

TG can be straight, gay, bisexual or asexual… LGB-is about where you use the equipment….

Later-Alligator

Justine

For someone I have just met at Laura’s playground…I have been such a guiding light…. I never thought that I would have an effect as that….

I was able to offer advice and comfort.. which feels so right, that I am on the right path….

If my journey will help others, even if just one person, then I feel I have achieved all that I need to..

I love the fact I am Justine, a girl in a body that for some or other reason is not quite right.. but that can be corrected… is not the issue..

The issue is about the journey of self discovery and exploring the world from both sides of the Gender Divide….

After all we are special in that we get to go on a extra-special journey of discovery of life, not the plain vanilla journey through life….

I am enjoying being able to wear Justine’s clothes for as long as I want at home..

Later-Alligator

Justine

Hi All

I have been very active at Laura’s Playground..what a chat site…

What amazed me the most, is how many people think they are Transgender, but never worn girls clothes… How do you know if you have not tried being a girl… There seems to be a disconnect there somewhere, also the age is very young 17-21 seems to dominate…

I have been able to help I think but why do they say they are transgender and know nothing about the condition or disorder or what ever transgender is, for me it is none of the before mentioned, as that would mean I have a mental condition… I am not broken as far as I know..

Later-Alligator

Justine

It is less than a week to my next appointment… with Dr D.

So hopefully I will be starting HRT soon… I am working tomorrow which is great for me,

I am so wanting the weekend to be over and get the week under way… I am so wanting to start HRT and see what happens…

Later-Alligator

Justine

My Guide for going out as a girl….

For me, going out the first time as a girl was so hard, but whilst I was out I realized that the fear I was having was really me giving my self confidence away to strangers….

Having realized this, I came to the conclusion that I am a girl, with a minor biological issue, that HRT will correct.

Going out as a girl for the 1st time, I would recommend going out in a simple skirt/dress, in a plain color, and a plain blouse, and if needed a padded bra. Shoes should be simple!

DO NOT OVERDRESS: this means keep makeup to a minimum, or have some help with the makeup.

Too much makeup and you could be looking as if you are a drag queen….

At this point ~I want to relate about what happened with me….. I was going to the psychologist for an appointment and I had to get into a lift full of people…This was not a problem for me, as I was a girl, wearing girls clothes, and the self confidence shone through….

It was here I realized that people really do not care about you, if you are comfortable about who you are and have accepted you are a girl, made peace with this and most importantly are comfortable in what you are wearing, it is not so difficult to move around as a girl…

My advice is to spend as much time as you have in girls clothes, getting used to being in girl’s clothes. For many boys who are male-to-female… the first few times it is very hard… the clothes feel awkward, to counter this, more time as a girl….

Buying clothes helps combat fear, be proud to say you are in transition, own it, it is really nothing to be ashamed about, this for me was hard at first, but the more I said it, the easier this become to do and say….

Make short excursions as a girl, this is to build up confidence, I can not stress enough, how important it is to be really comfortable in girls clothes…

Tight Panties: Very important, this will make the penis area less prominent and in case of erection much less visible…

Keep believing you are a girl, a pretty girl with a simple medical condition, most people will not notice you and if they do, so what!!! Does it matter what they think— after all do you care about strangers….

If you have to go to work or dresses are not you scene, then a simple pants and top should be fine, nothing too tight, unless you want to show off the breasts…

I cannot think of anything else at this moment…

Later from Justine…

For me this has been a great day, I have a test next week but I should not have a problem, once the test is over I should be starting HRT soon..

My Future plans:

I am hoping that one day I will be able to stand up in front of people and give a talk as to who I am, about why I think I am important.. I feel I have much to say, and with the pictures and video I will be taking during my transition, i hope to talk and inspire others… So if anyone wants to help jump in..

I would like to study in the United States, study physcology as related to transgender… I am of the firm view that transgender is not a mental disorder… That the DSM-IV is wrong…

I am so happy being a girl…. I have had a revelation: for me transition is a form of pregnancy, the body undergoes change and a new person is born… The new me.. a lovely happy successful girl ….

For me spending time out of girls clothes is hard and starting to feel wrong…. so hrt is so right for me, just fixing a small physical defect….

When I went to DR D, I went en-femme , in pink blouse, padded bra, white panties, denim skirt, and navy pumps, for me this was so normal. I did not see myself as a boy in girls clothes, but as a girl.

I had to get into a lift full of people, this I was not fazed by, after all I am a girl- in girls clothes… nothing wrong with that… so off to DR D… I had to wait for a while in the passage, many people passed me, I was not uncomfortable or embarrassed, I felt so normal… I am a girl….

Later-Alligator…

Justine

In a few short hours I am off to the the psychologist, I hope all goes well….

I have chosen the outfit I will wear, and I am so excited about the future… hope I am diagnosed…

Well it seems very optimistic that I am transgender… I have a personality test next week but this is just a formality.. I will be starting hormone treatment soon, a couple of weeks I hope.. a very good day…

When I went to to Dr D.. I went in my pink blouse, padded bra/white panties, denim skirt and navy pumps and I felt so comfortable, I was not crossdressing but dressing in my proper gender clothes….I had to use the lift full of people and I did not feel awkward or out of place… I am a girl, wearing girl clothes… what was wrong with that….

Later–Alligator

Justine

I am so wanting to just be a girl, wear girls clothes all the time, and really just not care about the future… why should I worry about something I cannot control, I am who I am… I cannot change what happened to me that I ended up a girl in a boy’s body…

Why dresses, skirts, blouses, panties and bra’s mean so much to me… at the moment I have more ladies shoes than mens shoes, along with the 3 bra and over a dozen panties…

I am slowly adjusting my wardrobe to reflect my new identity… I am girl.daughter, sister, she, miss ma’am to all and sundry…. 10 days before I see DR D.. I wonder how soon after I can start HRT… R18k to R21k for the orchie surgery… once the car has been paid I will be able to really start saving towards the surgery quite soon, the SARS cheque will help a lot to settle extra debt…

Later – Alligator…

Justine

Had my first comment on my blog today… whilst at laura’s playground, someone commented how pretty I was, what a lovely and precious comment… love you honey for the lovely comment!!!

It means such a lot when I know that I can transition without too much problem… Working this weekend which will take me closer to my appointment with DR.D… so excited, kitten with 2 tales I am…

Later-Alligator

Justine

I am having a bad day today, I want to so badly go out en-femme and just let people deal with me as I want to be, but many have counseled that that would be a bad idea… it is so hard and so many days before I go to Dr D.

This is hell… not the way I wanted it.. being dressed is cool, but having now where to go or do is torture, also stopping myself from shopping is hell… for this I know I am a woman… love shopping for clothes… and the shoes, I now understand woman’s interest in shoes, a woman can never have too many shoes!!!

Health-wise: short of breath and tired, oh so tired… depression is such a drag… hope it passes…

Later-Alligator

Justine

A new photo of me… This is the outfit I have decided to where when I go to the phycologist on the 17 June… so looking forward to the appointment and start my journey to womanhood….

Me 03 June 2009

Later-Alligator

Justine

2 weeks to the phycologist visit… today I have just spent 24 hours wearing ladieswear… slept in padded bra and panties, white sleepshirt and I had a wonderful night, when I woke up I felt so great, I want to go out wearing my favorite denim skirt and pink blouse and black pumps… soon very soon I will have laser treatment to remove my unsightly beard and beard shadow… shaving my face is far to manly for me to do… I keep cutting myself… once the hated beard goes then I will be on the road to beauty…

Here’s hoping it is soon…

Cheers

Justine

15 days until I go to the Psychologist… driving me sir crazy, all I want to be is a skirt and blouse wearing lady, who is lesbian and is looking for someone to have a lesbian relationship with… hetro-sex does not interest me, I would rather coddle and enjoy the beauty that is woman than sex…

Soon I will be able to start my HRT regime… I will then be on the road proper….

Later

Justine

I have added a photo of myself before I start any hormone treatment, I have a Psychologist appointment on the 17th June, so I have wait a little longer before I find out– driving me crazy…

Me today 01 June 2009

Let me know what you think….love and kisses…

Justine

I went to my brothers house today.. it feels so good not have act anymore that I am a boy, I am a girl, always have been! I am finding that I see myself more as a female… wearing bra’s fulltime, at home and sleeping with a padded bra is helping my brain get used to the new body image..

Tomorrow I need to make my appointment with the Psychologist, he diagnosed me when I was in school. A time when I was not ready for anything having spend the last few years trying to stay in the closet…

I have now opened the door and and stepped out into the light, there are various methods open to me to enable me to spread my beautiful wings and launch into womanhood, an honour for my mom. I have so much respect for her, and am so grateful she can accept me for who I am, even though she has difficulty with me becoming her daughter!!

Cheers

Justine

Having an emotional crisis of confidence, I am over thinking again, will the psychologist next week. He diagnosed me a long time ago as transgender t at a time I was not ready, but I am know. I am tending these days to be more paranoid about things.

Half the time I want to just come out as I am. Padded bra, blouse and skirt. Other times never wear the “right” clothes again and remain a lonely, broken, unhappy man. I am so happy being a woman, someone who only would be with a woman.

Today I am going shopping to start the wardrobe of gen-neutral clothes, ladies jeans and guy shirts. I will need to stock up on more panties as I do not have enough….

Justine

I have spoken with my neighbour about my transgender and my plans… He said he does not have a problem with me or who I am… I felt it was the best thing to do, it felt wrong for him to see me dressed and not having been warned first

Till later

I have made plans to start my video diary on Sunday… will video myself to see what I present like, and using a video camera will allow me to see how others view me, do I look right… I think I do, but that is looking at myself through rose tinted glasses…

Looking forward to the exercise… maybe one day I will post it online…

Cheers

Justine

I am strongly thinking that a video diary of sorts would be a good idea, having something to look back on, maybe have someone video me when I go to the physcologist or when I start my hormones, document the physical changes that will occur.

I have learnt from my friend that hormones will take about 7 years to really replace the in-correct male hormones, which is a blessing in disguise as it gives me time to re-align my mind from seeing myself as male, which is incorrect to the correct female.

By wearing a more gender neutral wardrobe, my physical change to reflect my true inner beauty will not come as a great shock, which was highlighted on ETV by Chris-Christine, 1 day Chris-next day Christine, a shock to all… People need time to adjust and my friend’s idea of slowly replacing a fully male wardrobe with neutral genderwear makes sense..

Her solution is to wear ladies pants with guy shirts and trainers, hiding the fact the legs are shaved, but at first blush looks normal, and when the physical aspects as the need to wear a bra then introduce the fact you have been in transition for a number of years, the idea being that it has happened over such a long time, there is nothing to worry about.

For me… that is my plan, wear out in public a more gender neutral clothing, at home wear the dresses and blouse/skirts I really do enjoy wearing.

This blog entry is getting a little long…

Cheers

Justine

Went to the doc yesterday dressed in my white/yellow hooped blouse and denim skirt. It felt so normal to be out in front of my brother.

The best part was that I had driven up from home to his house, which was quite a distance, dressed as a woman, and I felt I really was a woman.

When I went to the doc, I felt so normal wearing what I wearing. For the 1st time I did not feel embarressed or ashamed, I felt freedom and that for the 1st time I could be a woman.

2 things that are facts:  1- I am female and I am a lesbian. Gay is male on male. Lesbian is female and female.

Am I over-thinking the whole problem? This question was answered today for me after having spent over 4 hours with a lady who has transitioned and her advice really went home. Her ideas seem so obvious, let the outing happen at a much later stage when you have started to develop.

Her other idea which I thought was such a great idea was to remain gender neutral and when the time is right out yourself. By this time you have been on hormones a few years and transition has happened slowly over time, so it will almost not be a huge issue when it does happen…

A question for the public: Should I make a video documentary about my transition?

Cheers

Justine